Longing for someone who hurt you does not mean you’re broken.
Dear Survivor,
Many I work with tell me how confusing it feels to miss their abusive partner. They ask themselves, “Do I want to be hurt?” “What’s wrong with me?” “Why do I still love someone who caused me pain?” These questions are incredibly common, and they make survivors doubt their healing. But the truth is, missing someone who harmed you is part of how trauma can wire itself into the heart.
It’s called trauma bonding.
This bond forms through repeated cycles of kindness and cruelty. You may have felt seen and loved one moment, only to be torn down the next. That back-and-forth creates powerful emotional confusion. Your body and mind learned to cling to the “good” moments for survival, even when those moments were scarce.
You are not weak for feeling this way.
When I explain trauma bonding to survivors, I see a kind of soft relief settle in. It helps the self-blame begin to fade. If this speaks to you, I recommend exploring The Recovery Roadmap. It’s a resource I created to help untangle these patterns with compassion and clarity. You can begin to separate the feelings from the facts, and slowly return to your truth.
Grief and clarity can coexist, and healing is possible even when the heart is conflicted.
Blessings and healing,
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