Not every “I’m sorry” is meant to heal. Many are another way to control.
Dear Survivor,
Some survivors tell me they feel crazy for doubting apologies. They hear “I’m sorry,” and part of them wants to believe it, hold it, make it mean something. But then nothing changes, old patterns resume days or weeks later. Or worse, the kindness fades and the harm returns, often quickly. This isn’t forgetfulness or poor communication. It’s manipulation.
Sometimes, apologies are just another weapon, they are not acts of love, but tools of power and control.
Abusive partners often use apologies to reset the cycle. They may cry, buy gifts, or say everything yo have been longing to hear. It feels like hope. It feels like maybe they finally understand. But if the apology is not followed by lasting change, responsibility, and effort, it’s not repair. It’s another layer of confusion, designed to keep you close and quiet.
You are not wrong for wanting to believe in goodness, even in someone who caused you harm. Because you are a good person and want to believe the best in others.
Your desire to hope does not make you naive. It makes you human. If this feels familiar, I encourage you to explore the Types of Abuse Worksheet. It’s a gentle, eye-opening tool to help you name what’s happening, especially when the lines feel blurred. Naming is the first step toward clarity. Many survivors tell me that they find it so validating to see these patterns and abuses in writing. Take a look at this resource to see what resonates for you.
Real love takes responsibility. Real apologies change behavior.
Blessings and healing,
Catrina
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