March 30, 2025
Dear Survivors and Friends,
We see you. Navigating the complexities of an abusive relationship is exhausting and deeply painful. Many survivors carry the weight of emotions like anger, hurt, confusion, and fear, all while trying to protect themselves and their peace. If you’ve found yourself responding to abusive behavior in ways you aren’t proud of, know this first and foremost: you are not alone, and it does not define your strength or worth. This is not your fault.
Today, we’re focusing on how you can create emotional space to avoid falling into the trap of reacting to your abuser on their terms. This takes incredible courage and patience, so be gentle with yourself as you learn and grow.
Understanding the Dynamics of Abuse
Abusive relationships often follow a pattern where one person exerts control through manipulation, threats, or hurtful actions. Abusers may provoke you intentionally, press your limits, or aim to make you doubt yourself. Their goal is control, and your reaction can unintentionally fuel their tactics. Recognizing this cycle isn’t easy, but awareness is the first step toward breaking free.
When narratives suggest you “ignored” or “avoided conflict” instead of fighting back, it can feel disempowering. But taking a pause can be the bravest response because it protects your peace and chooses safety over escalation.
Strategies to Maintain Emotional Boundaries
- Pause Before Responding If you feel anger or frustration rising when confronted with abuse, give yourself permission to pause. This doesn’t mean you’re agreeing with their behavior or condoning it. It simply allows you to regain control over how you choose to respond. Deep breathing, counting to ten, or even walking away momentarily can interrupt their control over the moment. View this video for more tips on this strategy.
- Set Boundaries for Yourself Boundaries aren’t about changing someone else’s behavior; they’re about protecting yourself. Decide what you will or won’t engage with. For example, you might choose to disengage from arguments or refuse to respond to insults. Writing down these boundaries can help you remember them in moments of tension.
- Identify Safe Support Systems Connecting with someone who understands your situation can give you clarity and strength. Trusted friends, family, or support groups for survivors offer a safe space to talk through your feelings without judgment. Sometimes, hearing the affirming words “It’s not your fault” can be a lifeline.
- Recognize That Silence Can Be Strength Abusers may push for a reaction to justify their actions or shift blame onto you. Choosing not to engage with their provocations doesn’t signal weakness; it signifies that you are protecting your energy and your well-being. Silence can be an empowering step toward reclaiming your peace. I’m not encouraging you to use silent treatment or stonewall your abuser, I’m encouraging you to give yourself permission to not engage the current argument or provocation.
- Understand Triggers and Patterns Take time to reflect on patterns that lead to arguments or situations where you feel provoked. Knowing the triggers they use can help you prepare mentally and keep emotional walls intact. Journaling these moments for yourself (securely and privately) may be helpful to see these cycles clearly.
Seeking Help When You Need It
Above all else, your safety comes first. Sometimes this means drawing on external resources for support. Calling a domestic violence hotline, reaching out to local shelter services, or talking to a counselor who specializes in abuse dynamics can be life-changing. These professionals are trained to help survivors explore options to enhance both emotional and physical safety.
If you are in a situation where it feels impossible to avoid reacting or if you feel unsafe, please know there is help available. Contacting resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE) can offer immediate guidance and compassion.
Empowering Yourself Beyond the Moment
Just because you responded in a way that might align with the abuser’s narrative doesn’t mean you’re giving away power. It doesn’t erase your strength, resilience, or ability to move forward. Healing is a process, and every small step you take matters. Remember, you deserve a life filled with love, respect, and peace—not one dictated by fear or manipulation.
We believe in you. You are brave, you are worthy, and you are not defined by what has been done to you or by reactions made in difficult moments. Reclaiming your peace is an act of courage and self-love. Your recovery happens one step and choice at a time.
With blessings and healing,