It is not weakness. It is conditioning. And it is trauma.
Dear Colleague,
One of the most painful things providers witness is when a survivor returns to a harmful relationship. It can feel heartbreaking and disorienting. But what looks like regression is often part of a powerful trauma pattern called intermittent reinforcement.
This pattern keeps survivors tethered to cycles of harm because unpredictability creates intense emotional bonds. Hope spikes when affection or calm returns. Fear quiets down, temporarily. And the nervous system, trained by abuse, learns to cling to even brief moments of peace.
But intermittent reinforcement is only part of the story.
Survivors also return because of real constraints. They may share children with their partner. They may be financially dependent. Their legal status might be tied to the relationship. They may fear serious harm if they leave. Or they may simply be holding onto hope that the person they love is still in there.
We must educate ourselves so we can respond with both clarity and compassion.
Mapping out the abuse cycle in session can be illuminating. Naming tactics like love bombing or gaslighting gives survivors language for their lived experience. Normalizing their confusion and ambivalence reduces shame. And identifying their core strengths reminds them they are not broken. They are surviving.
Support them in naming what is happening. Language brings power back.
This Types of Abuse Worksheet is a helpful tool for identifying patterns, especially when clients are unsure or still questioning what they have experienced.
With appreciation for all you do,
#traumabond #supportsurvivors #intermittentreinforcement #typesofabuse #relationshipabuserecovery