March 19, 2025
Dear Survivor,
One of the most common questions you might find yourself asking is, “How did I end up here?” It’s not an easy question to face, and it’s one that often comes with self-blame. But the truth is, it didn’t happen overnight. The path into an abusive relationship is often paved with manipulation and deceit, and none of it is your fault.
Abusers rarely reveal who they truly are right away. Instead, they use tactics like love bombing, showering you with affection, endless compliments, and promises of a perfect future. They create a whirlwind of positive feelings that can make it hard to see what’s really happening.
The Subtle Beginning
Sometimes, an abuser will find someone who has recently gone through a breakup or other life challenge. They might say something like, “Your ex didn’t know how good they had it,” or “If I were your partner, I’d treat you like the treasure you are.” These words feel comforting, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable or unloved.
Another common tactic is offering you a way out of life’s struggles, often in a way that undermines your independence. For example, an abuser might say, “You don’t need to work anymore. I’ll take care of us.” While this sounds kind and generous, it can lead to a loss of financial independence and freedom.
What’s important to understand is that manipulation often feels soothing at first. These actions are calculated to gain your trust, not to respect or support you.
The Slow Shift
Once trust is established, control often starts to creep in slowly. It doesn’t always look obvious at first. You may notice things like subtle comments meant to make you question yourself, rules about who you can talk to, or even ultimatums disguised as love. It’s like the frog in the pot analogy. If a frog jumps into boiling water, it immediately leaps out. But if the water heats up slowly, the frog doesn’t realize the danger until it’s too late.
This gradual buildup makes it difficult to recognize what’s happening. You might think, “This is just a rough patch,” or, “They’re only acting this way because they care about me.” Abusers rely on that hope to maintain control.
Recognizing the Signs
It’s never too late to take stock of what’s happening and prioritize your safety. Some red flags to watch for include behaviors such as isolating you from friends and family, making decisions for you, monitoring your movements, or being overly critical in ways that make you feel small.
For a deeper understanding, check out this valuable resource on recognizing red flags in relationships: Access the Red Flags Checklist.
Moving Forward with Hope
The first step to healing is understanding that this is not your fault. You did not sign up for abuse. Healing takes time, and rebuilding your sense of self is a process, but you are not alone. There are resources, counselors, and support groups who can both listen to your story and help you take the next steps.
You are stronger than the person who tried to tear you down. Every step forward, no matter how small, is a victory. Whether it’s opening up to a trusted friend, seeking professional support, or even just deciding to prioritize yourself again, it all counts.
You deserve freedom. You deserve happiness. And most importantly, you deserve to feel safe and loved. Always.
With hope and compassion,
Catrina