I have been working in trauma-focused therapy for survivors of domestic violence and relationship abuse for many years.
These are the 3 simple (but effective) pieces of advice I’d give anyone starting out (or who wants to get started):
Advice #1: Understand that staying in an abusive relationship can be a safety decision.
One of the most challenging things as a therapist is to manage the emotional weight of working with survivors who choose to stay in an abusive relationship. It may feel counterintuitive at first and can be difficult to fully comprehend. But we must recognize that staying is sometimes the safest option for them in that moment.
Survivors may stay for many reasons that center around survival. They may fear escalation of violence if they attempt to leave, worry about losing financial or housing stability, or stay to protect their children. By acknowledging these reasons, you can remain compassionate and avoid centering therapy around what you believe should happen. Instead, focus on what the survivor wants and how you can support them on that journey, which can be helping them stay safe and supported.
Advice #2: Empower survivors, honor their autonomy, provide education, and offer reality test.
Your role as a therapist is to empower survivors, not to take over their decision-making process. They have already experienced control and manipulation from their abuser, so it’s essential to create a therapeutic space that honors their autonomy.
Education is vital here. Help them understand the cycles of abuse, trauma responses, and options for support. Reality testing is also important; gently challenge distorted thoughts and help them separate fear-based assumptions from actual risk, all while respecting their lived experience.
When you empower survivors and honor their autonomy, you’re encouraging them to trust their instincts again. This opens the door for meaningful change, not because they’re relying on you, but because they are reclaiming their own power.
Advice #3: Be mindful of the power dynamic and maintain strong boundaries.
A common misconception is that the ultimate goal of working with survivors is to help them leave the relationship.
This isn’t always true. The goal is to tune into what the survivor wants and needs, and to help them build safety and stability on their terms.
It’s also important to address the potential shift in the power dynamic of therapy.
Survivors may begin relying on you in ways they previously relied on their abuser. Some may look to you to make decisions for them or view you as the sole solution to their problems. This is where strong boundaries are crucial.
Ensure that you’re always guiding them through decision-making processes rather than offering direct advice.
Help them weigh their options, but remember that this is their life to lead and their decisions to make. When you set and maintain these boundaries, you establish a mutually respectful partnership that helps avoid creating any unhealthy dependency in the therapeutic relationship.
Honestly, I wish someone had told me these 3 things earlier in my career.
But I’m at least glad I can pass them along to you.
With appreciation for all you do,